I literally can’t get out of bed some days.
Everything makes me cry.
Going through the day feels like walking through waist-deep mud.
I am tired of talking to people who are not my nurse or healthcare friends. No one else understands.
This is what COVID-19 has done to me. I have not caught it. I am physically well but mentally, I feel like shit that has been trampled by elephants over and over again.
If you are in the healthcare field, you may know what I’m talking about. There is a constant dread during every waking moment. It is a heaviness that for me, is often on my chest, making it hard to breathe. I have heard others describe a giant pit in their stomach that will not go away.
And your dread is valid. This effing novel corona virus is a REAL bitch, and it’s killing healthcare workers around the world.
Plus, we are often being expected to work without the equipment we need to stay safe and keep our patients safe. It’s a time when we are being called “heroes” but are being treated like trash.
Yet there are people out there who care. I see social media posts, public displays of appreciation, and huge philanthropic efforts to support us. Everyone I know texts, calls, or emails. They all want to know the same thing - “How are you?”
I don’t know how to answer.
I want to say - “I am awful. I am afraid. I am worried about every one of my friends and loved ones getting sick or dying. I can’t see my family or best friends. I’m terrified that I am going to bring this wretched virus home to my husband. I am so lonely that I can’t move. Every shift gives me a panic attack before and after and sometimes during… but otherwise, I’m good. Have you watched Tiger King yet?”
I don’t think that’s what people are hoping for…
Thankfully, I have amazing friends.
A brilliant nurse friend and colleague of mine posted the most eloquent response to this question, which I have now borrowed with her permission and will use as the response for me, and I think, most nurses right now:
“People keep asking how I'm doing. I wanted to be very honest, so here it is. Strap in - this is long.
We are struggling.
The burden of this pandemic weighs so heavily on us. We are bearing the weight of the world on our shoulders and we aren’t sure that we are strong enough.
We carry a rock in our stomachs and a lump in our throats which have taken up permanent residence and from which we cannot be released.
We put on a brave face, but we are taking enough antacids to medicate an elephant. If we are already on antidepressants, we’ve increased them. If we aren’t on them, we are considering starting them.
We’ve stopped worrying that we’ll bring this home to our families anymore. We’ve taken that as a given. We worry that our family members could be the vectors who unknowingly spread the virus to somebody else. We need to protect the world from US.
For that reason, we take social distancing extremely seriously. Guess what? That social distancing, though? It’s killing us. We are empaths. It is both our nature and our job and now we can’t give our love to anyone. Do you know how much we could all use a hug right now? We can’t have one. Our children miss their relatives and are begging for real in-person hugs and we can’t let them. Our hearts ache.
We worry.
We worry about all of the same things that you do. We worry about our families, but we don’t get to dwell on that because we’re worried about your families, too. We worry that you will be the patient we have to tell, “I’m so sorry, but due to the isolation precautions we will all be trying our best not to enter your room after I leave. Here is your call bell. Let us know if you need anything!” We worry that you will feel alone. We worry that it will be the last words you hear from another human before you are gasping for air and we have to intubate you with no family present and nobody to hold your hand.
We worry that our kids will internalize our grief, anxiety and depression due to what we face each day.
We worry that you call us heroes. We don’t feel like heroes at all. We are just as frightened as you are.
We feel guilty to be gainfully employed when so many are not. However, we worry what the ultimate price will be for continuing to do the job we love so much.
We feel sorrow for the lives lost and for the many more that we are bound to lose due to poor planning and preparation.
We feel disposable. Under a president who refuses to acknowledge the severity of this pandemic, the CDC making subpar recommendations for PPE, a national administration that has been unable to equip its frontline staff appropriately to protect themselves so that we can SAVE FUCKING LIVES – WE FEEL DISPOSABLE.
Despite all of this, we will still SHOW UP. Because when you are a nurse, it is more than a job. It’s a calling. It’s what we do. We SHOW UP.
To all of our colleagues – from EVS to RT to MD and everyone in between – THANK YOU for showing up.
To all other essential employees of the world – THANK YOU – for feeding us, delivering our mail, picking up our trash, keeping the streets safe. THANK YOU.
And to those who are forced and/or able to stay home, THANK YOU for doing your part to flatten the curve. We know that it is not without great sacrifices for many.
To those who are donating, volunteering, sewing masks and caps, lifting us up in prayer, helping your neighbors, and spreading kindness and love – THANK YOU.
This is a battle that we are all fighting together and everyone plays their respective part, so THANK YOU.”
- Ginelle Rasch, Emergency Department Nurse
I know. Ginelle is THE BEST.
Things are so hard. If things seem impossible for you too, know that you are not alone. I feel the same. Ginelle feels that same. But somehow, together, we are going to get through this.
And if you need a little extra help to push through, that’s totally ok too. In the past few weeks, I have switched my SSRIs, increased my talk therapy appointments (via telephone), and have had to be very open with friends and colleagues about my mental health needs.
Your mental health is important, just as important as your physical health. Take time to care for yourself. And know that you are definitely not alone.
- Sarah @ New Thing Nurse
Here are a few resources that I am using to help me get through the days. Maybe they will help you too:
Crisis Text Line - Mental Health Support via Text
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) COVID-19 Resources & Information Guide
Podcast: Kate Bowler - Everything Happens, “The Emergency Button”.
Podcast: The Hilarious World of Depression - Call a Friend, Find Out How They’re Doing.
I tried yoga once so far. It was nice. This yoga is free! - Down Dog
Connecting with friends:
Art of Emergency Nursing Podcast Episode with Me, Kristen Cline, & Kevin McFarlane
FB Live Fill Your Cup Virtual Meetup with Anna Rodriguez of The Burnout Book
